[ I’m going to put a disclaimer here. This isn’t something that I would normally post, and hey, I might take this down within a week or two after I’ve “calmed” down in a way. This is a personal post and I’m not the absolute best writer when it comes to posts like this, so please bear this in mind when reading this. These are my thoughts on my own experience; others who have experienced this have had it worse, I know; but it doesn’t make me feel any less upset about my situation. ]
This is what I found out about losing my virginity; it isn’t the ‘during’ part I’ll remember but how I was made to feel afterwards that I’ll remember the most.
I’m 25 and up until a week ago, I was a virgin. I’ve never been in relationship and only been on a handful of dates. I was awkward in high school and was very uncomfortable and shy when speaking with the opposite sex. Even now, I can still be closed off about it. I didn’t start loving myself and having confidence until my last year of university when I was 22.
I’m a plus size woman and so I always made myself feel that I needed to be skinnier to meet guys and for them to want to be with me. Once I started understanding that being plus size is okay, that’s when I started loving who I am.
I also didn’t have a lot of guy friends. Most of my best friends are girls and while they have friends who are guys, I was still too shy to open up. The guy friends I do have now are all in relationships with all of my mutual friends and I love them all to pieces.
A week ago, I wasn’t planning on losing my virginity. I drove up to see my best friend and go to a house-warming party. The guy hosting the part, we’ll call him Jay, was the guy I ended up sleeping with. But again, not my intention going into the night.
It had been a stressful couple of weeks at work so I was just happy to go have some drinks with friends. Besides from the last I knew, Jay was seeing someone and I wasn’t about to mess with that. The party starts getting going and I bring up when Jay’s partner is going to join the party. That’s when I find out that they’ve broken things off; she’s gone back to her ex-boyfriend. At the point, I still was not thinking about losing my virginity, but maybe just flirting with Jay.
Jay and I were chatting all night, and it seemed like there were flirtatious signals going on. It wasn’t until the friends I arrived with were getting ready to leave, that I thought maybe I could just stay over and see where it goes from there.
That’s pretty much what happened, except for the part where I openly asked him if he wanted to have sex because apparently I have no subtlety at all.
We had sex, and he was a gentleman. He knew that it was my first time and made sure to put it out there ahead of time that I could stop at any point if needed. I’m thankful for that, and thankful that my first time didn’t seem too awkward, didn’t hurt and was with someone who made me feel great.
The next morning was awkward. He invited me out for breakfast with his roommates but I declined explaining that I had to sign a lease and needed to get ready for a staff meeting later in the day (which was true). But I also didn’t need his roommates to question us about anything, I felt awkward enough as is.
I understand that we didn’t exchange phone numbers, however I have him on both Facebook and Snapchat. I understand that I made the situation feel like it was a one-off thing, and I shouldn’t feel disappointed that he hasn’t made any contact since we had sex, but I do. He is a genuine, nice guy and I thought that maybe there might be some contact afterwards. Okay, there wasn’t. So, I’ll open the floor casually and ask him how the rest of his day went (playfully) a week after we had sex through Snapchat. He opened the chat, but no response back.
I am being bitter, I know. I’m grateful for how comfortable I felt losing my virginity, but I am angry and disappointed in the aftermath. We are going to see each other again; my best friend is engaged to one of his friends. Now, the next time I see him it’s going to be awkward as most of the friend group knows/assumes we had sex that night; and I will be angry at how the situation was handled afterwards.
I’m going to let this anger I have towards him fuel my ability to want to get back in shape. Surprisingly, I work out better when I’m angry and need to let off steam. I’m going to focus my energy on making money within the store I manage, finding an apartment (that lease fell through) and knowing that I’m happy and I love myself no matter what, and that no guy should ever make me feel less than I am. Because I’m fucking awesome.